Ouch!
When I got the phone call from the reporter at the Denver Post I was happy to hear from her. I had no idea the call would end with me shaking from anger and frustration! Have you had that happen?
I had left a message for the reporter, a religious writer for the paper in the past, who had been recommended to me. I told her briefly about the unexpected response I have had to the free PDF document on church security I send to people who request it. Through this site alone I have sent out about 1,800, and most of the recipients pass them along to many others.
I believe there is an interesting story in the fact that, through people finding this site on a search engine, I have sent that document to almost every state, and to Canada, Mexico, England, Ireland, Scotland, Norway, India, China, Japan, El Salvador, Peru, Mexico, Australia, Nova Scotia and Texas. Do you think that could have happened thirty years ago? Would there have been a perceived need thirty years ago?
Suffice it to say the reporter jumped on me with all four feet, almost from her first words. She clearly had little knowledge of security planning, emergency responses, or the situation in most churches, but she had plenty of opinions anyway, and let me know she didn’t agree with me. (She thinks telling ushers to get assistance rather than tackling a suspicious person, is creating a victim mentality.) She wasn’t at all interested in the international requests, or the many positive follow-up messages I had received.
Finally–not soon enough–I said I was done arguing with her about it and we hung up with negative feelings. I was stunned at her reaction to what I thought was a helpful gesture!
Have you ever been bitten when you were trying to be helpful?
My experience with the reporter reminded me of the time an employee with the United States Marshals Service, John Soltys, a recently discharged Navy Seal who was enthusiastic and hardworking, suggested an improvement in the prisoner cell block. We forwarded his idea to headquarters for a commendation and they wrote back that he should be disciplined because he went outside his scope of responsibility.
Not long ago a friend of mine picked up a toy a child had dropped in a store and smilingly gave it back to her. The child’s mother grabbed it and angrily said, “Are you nuts? That teaches her to take things from strangers!” (I think someone was nuts in that conversation.)
How can you respond to unexpected bites?
Use self-control. Avoid lashing out in anger or hurt. Use your face and voice to show that you want to know what has caused the unexpected reaction. Smile if it is appropriate. Show concern, ask questions, give people a chance to back off from their hasty actions.
Be as honest and open as the situation will allow: “I don’t know what to say. I really didn’t expect this to be a problem.” “I have to tell you, I’m surprised I’m getting this response.” Perhaps a simple clarification or explanation can completely change the reactions of the other person.
You may need to stop the interaction, if you are in a situation where you can do so: “I was mistaken and thought you might be interested. You’re not, so we don’t need to talk about it anymore.”
There will be some situations in which you cannot present your viewpoint and you can only hope to get our rear-end out of the situation safely! At that point your best response is a simple, “I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“Once bitten, twice shy.” There are some people you can never please and they approach most conversations with an unpleasant attitude. Others, like you and me, may not always respond effectively, but it is not the norm and we work to avoid being unpleasant, as well as working to show appreciation.
Put A Muzzle On Yourself
Think before you reject an idea or a person. Don’t say no too quickly and don’t assume you know all about the situation and can make a clear decision. Find out more.
Use your expression and voice to present your best self. When you must disagree or decline something, you can say no without saying it in a way that is offensive, hurtful or dismissive. Especially read your emails to ensure that you are not being more curt or sarcastic than you intended.
Consider the intentions of others. The old adage is that we judge ourselves by our intentions while others judge us by our actions. Change that a bit. Work to judge intentions and try to put a good spin on them until you are proven wrong. That is what you would want from others.
Appreciate efforts: We often say, derisively, “they meant well.” At least honor that, even though you should not accept poor work or a bad outcome. Treat effort and outcome separately. When people have tried to do the right thing, don’t repay them by biting their heads off about it.
Smiling is the best way to show your teeth!
October 5th, 2008
Posted by
TLR |
*Free Church Security PDF, Personal and Professional Development |
7 comments
Some questions about prickly people at work: Do you supervise someone you tip-toe around to avoid setting them off in some way?
Do you sometimes feel that you and the rest of your workplace are held hostage by one person who is incredibly difficult for others to work with?
Does it sometimes unnerve you? Aren’t you tired of it?
The employee who must be treated like a time bomb: I’ve written before about discourtesy in the workplace. In fact, that is a recurring theme of mine, since I hear so many complaints about it. However, this article is focused on the person who is challenging because he or she is hyper-sensitive to critique or suggestion–let alone criticism. Perhaps the employee cries or sulks or becomes angry and withdrawn.
The result is that coworkers and supervisors avoid the slightest hint of suggestion that something that person did or said should be done differently next time or could be improved. The difficult person becomes the only one who never hears a complaint or suggestion. No wonder he thinks he’s perfect! No wonder she is shocked at the slightest criticism! And, what often happens is that when a supervisor finally decides to say something he unloads on the employee in a way that makes things worse.
The difference between sensitive and punitive. I chose the photo for this article for a reason: The prickly tree does not need to be treated gently because it is delicate. It must be treated gently because it will punish you otherwise! That is also why we need to have heightened awareness of employees who seem to be over-the-top about their emotions, irritations and reactions.
You are not psychologist or psychiatrist, so you do not know whether the behavior is much more severe than it seems–not that psychologists or psychiatrists always know either! However, you are responsible for the safety and security of others, including the employee who seems to have trouble handling any critique. You are also responsible for enforcing rules and policies, and there are nearly always rules and policies about courtesy, respect and appropriate behavior.
There are reasons to be concerned. Last week in Kentucky, an employee who had been chided about his repeated cell phone use and for repeatedly not wearing safety goggles, returned to the workplace and shot and killed five people, including the supervisor, before committing suicide. Many similar events have occurred in businesses, industry and government offices around the country. Supervisors and managers are justified in being concerned about prickly people!
You probably will not have such a dire situation with your challenging employee, but I doubt that supervisor thought so either. You may think you know your challenging employee very well–you may even be friends. But, emotions and mental upset can result in actions you never expected. You certainly might have to deal with a lot of anger and bitterness.
Do your job and handle the situation. Do not let yourself get into the habit of allowing poor work or ineffective behavior because you want to avoid the upset that will result if you say something. Do not require other employees to tolerate bad behavior from a coworker because you do not want to deal with it.
Talk to HR, your psychological resources if available, and your managers, to let them know what you have planned. Follow organizational guidelines. For example, you may not be able to tell an employee it is his last warning if there was no first warning. You also need to find out what you can do if the employee reacts in a way that is a rules violation or becomes out of control. Can you place a formal disciplinary action about it? Can you require him to go to psychologist? Can you call security? Can you make him go home? Can you keep him out if he tries to return? Know in advance, even if you do not expect any strong reaction.
When you talk to the employee, do your best to make it a comfortable conversation. That might sound impossible, but make the effort. Do not put desk space between you. Sit at a table or in a conversational arrangement.
*Start by saying what you have observed, why it is a problem and what the employee must do differently in the future. Stick to observable behaviors, not what you think the employee thinks or feels.
*Remind the employee of rules or policies and say they will be enforced in the future.
*Keep it brief and do not preach or do excessive counseling, simply state the behavior that must stop.
*Consider following that with the approach of reinforcing what you want to see stay the same, then getting the employee to say back what he or she will do differently in the future about a sample situation.
*If you have organizational resources to recommend, provide those in a supportive way. Just do not let his problems become yours to solve.
There are many resources that can provide more lengthy information about handling difficult corrective interviews than I have space for in this article. However, you will do just fine if you stick with that formula of stating the behavior that is a problem, giving an example, and getting feedback about how it will be handled differently in the future. I’m not saying the employee will like it or thank you. But, at least you can get through it.
Get back to work. After the interview, quickly, quickly, quickly reestablish normal conversations and relationships. Assign work, thank him for a good job, be low-key but appropriate. Give him a chance to save face and move forward.
I have experienced several supervisory situations in my career where I halfway expected a very angry outburst or a sulky temper tantrum. I was correct in three cases. VERY correct in one case! In another case, the employee looked at me for a moment and said, “OK.” He never acted the same tyrannical, angry way again! If I had known it was going to be that easy, I would have talked to him much sooner!
Your situation will be unique and you must decide how it should be handled. However, do not feel foolish for thinking you have reasons to be concerned about someones hyper-reactions to criticism. There is ample evidence than such reactions can lead to more serious problems if they are allowed to continue.
June 30th, 2008
Posted by
TLR |
Safety and Security Planning, Supervision and Management |
7 comments
I recently read a supposed true anecdote about a woman who told her daughter she escaped a fire in her apartment and was able to save her new swimming suit. The daughter questioned her about why, with all the valuables in her home, she chose to save a swimming suit. The woman said, “Now that I’ve finally find a one-piece suit that doesn’t make me look fat I sure don’t want to lose it!”
Good question: What would you consider your must-save possessions?
If you and I are fortunate we will never have an emergency that requires us to evacuate our homes hurriedly–perhaps in the middle of the night with no lights to assist us as we leave. However, it does happen to some people and could happen to us for any of dozens of reasons. When it does, we want to be able to make a quick getaway and be prepared for “what do we do next?”
Two categories of items for an emergency:
1. Emergency Supplies (Food, water, personal care items, health needs,etc.)
2. A Quick Getaway Kit (Identification and financial items needed to travel, relocate or conduct personal business in an emergency.)
One way to consider what emergency supplies you would need and what you would want to have in your Quick Getaway Kit is to think about the varied situations that might require them:
- Fires, floods and natural disasters that might damage or destroy anything left behind.
- Power, water supply and public safety emergencies.
- An event that makes your home uninhabitable.
- An event that prevents you from leaving your home to purchase needed items.
- Any emergency requiring you to leave immediately and for an extended time–perhaps far away from your residence, city or even your state.
- Any situation where needed services (banks, stores and offices) are unable to be open for business.
- An emergency–natural, accidental or medical–requiring immediate access to key information.
Emergency supplies: Many government websites have lists of proposed emergency supplies. The lists may look voluminous but you probably have many of the items already and will not have a difficult time maintaining them in a ready condition. These can literally be life-savers if you must evacuate your home or if you are trapped or stranded. They certainly can make life more comfortable and tolerable in those situations.
A Quick Getaway Kit: Consider using see-through storage bags, sturdy over-sized envelopes, or metal fire-resistant boxes for each person in your family. Keep the items in a secured and concealed location, but where you can quickly grab them and leave your house in an emergency. Among the things you would want to have available:
1. Identification and records that are sufficient for immediate needs: Passport, birth certificate or other identification.
2. Health and home insurance and other registration cards that might be useful.
2. A few checks.
3. Enough cash to be able to stay at a motel, get gasoline or buy food, and enough change for vending machines. You do not need an exceptionally large amount, perhaps a hundred dollars in ten dollar bills, and five dollars in change. Even if you have credit cards you may find you need cash–especially in an emergency. Some emergency planners suggest keeping one credit card solely for serious emergency situations.
4. A checklist with locations of other items to be taken if time and circumstances allow–or to allow others to be able to find them at a later time if you cannot assist.
5. Useful keys.
6. An emergency contact list with the phone number of your insurance agent, family members, coworkers and others.
7. Any other documents or items you want to be able to easily locate and take with you in an emergency.
Some emergency preparedness sites suggest keeping a duffel bag with essential items of clothing and toiletries in the same general location as your Quick Getaway Kit, in case you do not have time to get to other emergency supplies. As with all plans, your personal situation is the key to deciding what you will need.
Secure your Quick Getaway Kit. This kit will have essential personal and financial information, so keep it in a concealed, secure location. A good general rule is to keep your kit as high up as practical on the ground level of the house, in a container or location that does not signal, “Important papers kept here.” For example, consider the top shelf of a pantry or cupboard. If you want to keep the items in your file drawers, keep them in a folder or envelope marked in an unexciting way. (When I had an open office and knew that files of other supervisors had been rifled, I kept private documents in a folder marked, “Odometer Records”.)
Perhaps the biggest benefit to planning what you would need in your Quick Getaway Kit is that it makes you pause to evaluate the status of your emergency planning. It also will ensure that you have vital documents, items and information in a secured location instead of in drawers and files all over the house. This weekend, set aside time to plan and prepare for an emergency. A Quick Getaway Kit is a good way to start.
May 7th, 2008
Posted by
TLR |
*Home, Personal and Travel Security, Life and Work, Safety and Security Planning |
3 comments
A Free 24 Page PDF: The Role of Greeters and Ushers in Church Security
This PDF has traveled all over the world and been sent to over 1,450 people–many of whom have made dozens of copies to distribute to other churches. I have heard back from hundreds of pastors, security team leaders and others, and have enjoyed every message. I wish there was not a need for such material. But, I’m glad to be able to provide at least one piece of a security package.
I have also been asked to do presentations in several settings, and have done that on occasion, when circumstances made it possible. My underlying message is that planning is almost as valuable as the plan. There are some very good things that come from looking at safety and security systematically. It is never wasted time and effort. And, when done correctly, it is an energizing project for the entire church family.
Thank you for the contacts and your follow-up messages!
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Church leaders, no matter what the size or location of the church, have a responsibility to develop plans and processes that help ensure the safety and security of members, visitors and church property. This is made more challenging by the fact that church buildings and congregations may be targeted for violence, threats or disruption. In addition, church buildings have the same risks as other buildings about safety and security problems related to natural disasters, fires, mechanical and electrical failures and safety hazards.
One of the key components of a church security program is observant and responsive greeters, ushers and deacons. These front-line roles are often the first people to see or hear problems, and often have access to all parts of the building before, during and after the service. But sadly, many greeters and ushers receive little or no training related to the role they can play in observing, getting help quickly and providing leadership in an emergency. Even if you have a security team, greeters and ushers are often the ones who first observe a problem situation and must react appropriately.
Church Security Concerns: The Role of Greeters and Ushers is a free, 24 page PDF document, which can be copied for use in church security training.
•It provides a well-balanced, realistic approach that can help the meeters and greeters of churches feel more confident and be more effective in situations of concern as well as in emergencies.
•This document has been useful for pastors, church security teams and greeter/usher teams, as well as being a great resource for distribution by law enforcement organizations.
Topics:
The role of greeters and ushers in the area of church security (with or without a formal security team).
Awareness and response
Potential security concerns and options for action
A security self-evaluation checklist
This security information is a great addition to your church manual and should be part of the orientation training for all greeters, ushers, deacons and church leadership. Contact me for your FREE PDF copy of, Church Security Concerns: The Role of Greeters and Ushers.
January 21st, 2008
Posted by
TLR |
*Free Church Security PDF, Safety and Security Planning |
30 comments
