Apologies That Mean Something
Self Indulgent Apologies
“I’m sorry. What more can I say?”
“Yep, go ahead and blame me. It was my fault. I’m an idiot. Kick me if you want.”
“Sorry.”
“OK. I admit it. I’m only human and I made a mistake. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry I reacted like I did, but you made me do it.”
“I’m so, so, SO sorry! This will never happen again. I swear!”
Saying “I’m sorry” isn’t always enough–and often isn’t anything. Flimsy apologies are often used in an attempt to get off the hook or merely to mouth acceptable words without any real significance. Often the tone is flippant, dismissive, irritated or resentful. But, what about that last example? It sounds sincere, doesn’t it? It also sounded sincere the five other times over the last month that the employee did the same thing and apologized profusely.
Using the analogy of domestic violence, “I’m sorry” is usually the honeymoon time that starts another cycle of abuse. In workplaces “I’m sorry” is often just the brief time before yet another problem behavior and/or performance situation.
In one personnel action I reviewed, I noted that the employee apologized for her actions over fifty times in six statements and interviews. I also noted that the supervisor referred to the apology as if it was mitigation for the bad behavior. “My recommendation is based, in part, on the fact that this employee apologized for her actions and has promised she will not repeat them.”
At one point the employee apologized to a coworker, but the coworker wouldn’t accept it and said she didn’t believe her. The supervisor wrote, “I think in this case Lisa did all she could do to apologize and I am disappointed that Sandy won’t accept it in the spirit in which it was given.” (I think Sandy knew the spirit in which it was given!)
Clarifying apologies as a supervisor: If you are a supervisor or manager, there is a temptation to accept even a sullen apology as a way to end a discussion about bad behavior or performance. Don’t do it! Be honest about the tone you are hearing, or the fact that an apology has not resulted in changed behavior in the past. Follow even sincere sounding apologies with these questions: “What are you going to do to make this better, right now? And, what are you going to do to keep it from happening again?”
Repentance, in any context, is worthless if the person doesn’t purposefully turn away from the wrong thing. As a supervisor you can help make that happen by insisting that the employee tell you what he or she will do instead of the wrong thing.
Dealing with apologies as a co-worker: If you are a coworker being given an apology that sounds shallow to you, civil honesty is also the best approach. “Beth, I hear what you are saying, but I don’t feel you mean it because you continue to treat me and others this way. Even your tone is more like you are being forced to say it. So, tell me…what are you going to do to make this right, and what specific things are you going to do to keep yourself from doing this again?”
If he or she has an adequate response, at least you will know the person is sincerely trying. If not, you are correct to not fake an acceptance of a fake apology. Try this response: “I want to believe you, so I’ll wait to see if what you say is backed up by what you do. That’s when I’ll feel I can accept your apology as sincere.”
If you need to apologize: Say you’re sorry. Say what you are going to do right now to try to make things right. Say what you are going to do to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Live up to it.
Don’t apologize to keep someone happy, when you don’t really mean it, and don’t apologize when you have done nothing wrong and are only trying to keep the peace. Say you are sorry for the things you truly would do differently if you could, and that you feel badly about. But, if you should apologize, make it have significance. Hopefully you won’t need to apologize very often!
I’m sorry this article is so long. I’ll make it right by stopping now, and next time I’ll edit my posts to keep them shorter for easier reading. I promise!
