Tina Lewis Rowe

It Matters Who Gets The Credit

You may have heard the thought that there is no end to what we could accomplish if we didn’t care who got the credit. (Ironically, that has been credited to President Ronald Reagan, Walt Disney, writer Laing Burns, Jr. and several others.) It is sometimes stated with a slightly corrective tone when an employee is frustrated over not receiving recognition for work or when someone else incorrectly receives recognition for it.  Then, we wonder why good people lose enthusiasm!

Giving credit or acknowledgement is a form of praise and it should be done correctly. If–as is often the case–raises, bonuses, promotions and perks are given on the basis of contribution, it is critical that credit is given to the right people and in the right way.

Giving credit where credit is due.

* If everyone in a group contributed close to equally on a project, don’t single out individuals for public praise.  Supervisors and managers should express appreciation to individuals privately and refer to each person’s contributions when preparing formal commendations and performance evaluations. However, if everyone did their jobs effectively, keep the credit focused on the group and on the value of working together. (Also remember that a manager’s job is to monitor work–including work of ad hoc groups–to see to it that everyone does contribute effectively. )

*If individuals are given credit in public or private for specific work on a group project, make sure it is well-deserved.  Especially make sure someone else who rightfully deserves the credit isn’t overlooked.  It’s extremely demotivating for the wrong person to get credit for work. What makes it worse is that most good employees don’t want to sound as though they are looking for praise or taking credit, so they’ll keep quiet about it but feel deeply wounded.This is why it is so crucial that supervisors and managers are aware of the quality and quantity of work being done on a daily basis by each employee, as well as what they are contributing to group work.

*Do not give special praise just because someone is perpetually needy or is a squeaky wheel. Especially do not do so at the expense of the real contributors who quietly but effectively do the bulk of the work or who repeatedly save the day in a crisis.  All employees have a strong sense of what is fair and what is not.  Even those who are not involved can become demotivated over unfairness.

*A group coordinator may not deserve accolades for work the team has done.  Often the person put in charge of a project receives most of the credit,  whether or not they displayed leadership, made assignments and guided work, or even participated at all.  Managers should praise the team as a whole or recognize each person for specific contributions, rather than automatically giving most of the credit to the person who was “in charge”, unless that person clearly was the guiding light for the work.

*The fact that someone says they are outstanding doesn’t make it so.  It’s amazing how many otherwise savvy supervisors, managers and executives believe the self-aggrandizing stories of some employees–especially when the employees downplay the work of others who may not habitually seek bragging time with the boss.  The next thing you know, the stories are repeated as truth and a positive reputation is built on nothing but self-reporting.

*Letting higher level managers know about the good work of individuals is a way to show loyalty to employees.  If an employee works faithfully to make a group, section or project successful, the least the supervisor or manager can do is make sure higher level people know how dependable that person is–and how dependable they are in comparison to others.  Otherwise, when it’s time for personnel decisions, the wrong choices are made and injustices are done. This is especially true when the manager with the knowledge is no longer there to report the facts. Documentation in a performance evaluation is good (and necessary), but nothing is as effective as using an employee’s name positively in a discussion about a project. Never make the mistake of thinking an employee doesn’t care who gets the credit–they almost always do!

*Giving credit when it is not deserved encourages mediocrity.  Why should someone who is not being effective change their performance or behavior if they get as much or more credit as everyone else? Why should someone give 150% when the person who gave 50% receives the credit for the work?

*Internal motivators have to be nurtured.  Much is said in management books about internal motivators being more compelling than external motivators.  However, like the thought about not caring who gets credit, it doesn’t always stand up to scrutiny in real life. 

External motivators (job titles, increased authority and responsibility, perks, bonuses, pay for performance, commendations, public  praise and receiving credit) are important to almost everyone who works. Those are the things that nurture internal motivators in-between the praising. When someone deserves credit for work but they don’t receive it, or someone else receives it instead, internal motivators start drying up.

The bottom line:  No doubt about it, if we didn’t care who got credit for our work, we’d probably approach it differently.  Roll credits! wouldn’t matter to actors; politicians wouldn’t care whose name was on the legislation; athletes wouldn’t care who got credited with the game-saving play;  writers wouldn’t care whose name was on the byline; researchers wouldn’t care who was credited with the lab or library work.  As long as something good was being done for society, the team or the organization, it wouldn’t matter.

Life isn’t like that.

Give credit where credit is due and only where it is due.

January 13th, 2010 Posted by TLR | Life and Work, Supervision and Management | 12 comments

The Importance Of Being Trustworthy And Trusted

In the pilot episode of Fringe, a Fox TV drama about an FBI agent drawn into situations involving strange phenomena, Walter Bishop (actor John Noble) says about being in a mental institution:

There are so many things you lose in a place like that. You lose being trusted.
Strange how important that is once it’s gone.

One of the most valuable commodities we have is the trust others give to us and the trust we find at work and within our families and network of friends. Consider this: Are there some people you interact with regularly but whom you don’t trust?  What is it that causes you to feel that way?

*Have they ever failed to do what they promised? 
*Have they ever lied or not told the entire truth? 
*Have they tried to make themselves look good at someone else’s expense?
*Have they purposely created problems for you?
*Have they placed blame or taken credit unfairly? 
*Are they generally undependable about doing high quality work–even though they may “mean well”?
*Have they said something to your face and you found out later they said something else behind your back?
*Have you trusted them, then they let you down or did something devious?

Those are all reasons for losing confidence in someone.  It may be that some of their actions were unavoidable or you are mistaken about what they did or said.  Make sure you have the facts before you take someone off your list of trusted people.

The next thing to do is to look once again at that list of things that can cause lack of trust.  Do any of them describe you at some time in your work or life? Even if no one confronted you at the time,  it may be that someone feels differently about you because of something you did a long time ago.  Look for every opportunity to demonstrate that you are trustworthy now. 

The final activity that will benefit you and others is to express trust in your words and actions. Give people reasons to believe in you and tell them how much you believe in them.  Those aren’t just nice interactions at work, they are ways to reinforce the valuable aspects of being trustworthy and being trusted.  You won’t fully appreciate the importance of it until it’s gone.

January 7th, 2010 Posted by TLR | Personal and Professional Development | 4 comments

Do You Need New Ways To Be Annoying?

I’ve sometimes wondered if the person who is driving me crazy is only that way in a specific setting (the one I’m in at the time) or if he or she is always that way. Fortunately for my peace of mind, I don’t consider the idea that I might be annoying as well. Highly improbable!

My friend Jeff Adams wrote a post last month about annoying airplane travelers.  I could relate to all of his descriptions–especially the passengers who hold up everyone else while stuffing their over-sized bags into the overhead  bins. Then it’s slam, slam, SLAM, while they try to close the door.

My neighbor, Larry Homenick, has a list of annoyances he encounters at casinos. (I don’t go to those places, so I’m taking his word on these). They include the Button Pounder, the Slot Machine Expert, the Slot Machine Hog, the Over-Your-Shoulder Starer, and the Childishly Excited. (Oh my gosh. Oh my GOSH! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! I won two dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Last week I was checking out at an Office Max and the guy in front of me was so preoccupied talking on his cell phone, he couldn’t respond to anything the sales clerk was asking–the sales clerk was visibly annoyed and so were those of us standing and waiting. We all have stories like that nowadays. They are as common as the annoyances of having someone scrolling through email while you’re teaching or conversing; talking on the phone loudly, as though others want to hear or won’t notice, or forwarding silly emails or urban legends to you and fifty others.

There are traffic annoyances; personal habits that are annoying; repetitious words and phrases that were charming, witty or interesting the first thousand times the person said them, but aren’t anymore; inside jargon; annoying children, annoying sounds (whistling, humming, snorting, etc.) and a myriad of other things. (And saying we should overlook those things is annoying too. It’s always easier to tell someone to ignore an annoyance than it is to ignore the thing that annoys you.)

More ways to be annoying: In case you don’t have enough ways to be annoying, I’ll give you an excerpt from the list you may have already seen. I haven’t found out the correct attribution–the source listed by some sites hasn’t proven to be correct. Very annoying!

1. Learn Morse Code and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeeep, Bip, Bip, Beep, Bip, Beeeep…”
2. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
3. Sniffle incessantly. (Note: Or cough, pick your noise, scratch your arm, neck or face, etc.)
4. Insist on keeping your windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to keep them “tuned up.”
5. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what YOU think.”
6. Follow a few paces behind someone spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
7. Finish all your sentences with the words, “in accordance with prophecy.”
8. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
9. Repeat everything someone says, in the form of a question. (Note: That’s why “active listening” techniques can be annoying.)
10. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador”. (Note: I knew a guy who wanted me to call him Tarzan, but it might not be the same concept.)
11. Stand over someones shoulder mumbling as they read. (Note: That’s still not as bad as standing behind a stranger and watching while they play a slot machine.)
12. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-worker’s minds. (Note: Like Mike O’Neill and Art Hutchison used to do to Gary Gosage with “Sh-boom, sh-boom. Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta, sh-boom, sh-boom…”)

I saw a sign the other day that undoubtedly is appropriate for all of us:

Sh-boom, sh-boom. Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta, sh-boom, sh-boom……

January 3rd, 2010 Posted by TLR | Challenging and Problematic People, Life and Work, Personal and Professional Development, Service to Customers, Clients and Coworkers | 18 comments

Make Your Predictions For 2011 And Beyond

What Do You Predict For The Coming Year? Five Years? Decade?

Try this as an interesting activity for yourself and your friends and family: Give them paper and an envelope (fancy paper is fun but not necessary). Have them write predictions for themselves, others, the country, the world or anything else they want to predict about. You may want to limit the time allowed to develop predictions (that tends to keep it a bit more light-hearted and less somber work). Then, have them seal the envelopes for opening a year from now or longer.

For a real test of patience, suggest they give the envelopes to you to be returned five or even ten years from now. That might seem too long, but if you can manage to resist the temptation to open them early, you’ll enjoy them tremendously later–although they may create some melancholy as well. I know that for a fact.

Predictions made in 1971: In 1971, Detective Ed O’Dea, Detective Rand Hendrickson and I were talking about what we thought would happen in the future. Ed had a rather dismal view (he was a nice man but pessimistic about everything) and I said he would be wrong. So, we wrote our predictions for 2001 and I said I would keep the envelope. I honestly hadn’t expected to keep it. I think all of us thought of it as a joke for the moment.

Sadly, both Ed and Rand passed away long before 2001–Ed of a heart attack and Rand from a brain tumor. But I still kept the envelope and I didn’t open it until mid-January, 2001. 

Ed’s predictions: These were based on his feelings about how the country was going to heck with all the Hippies taking over Denver and the rest of the country. ”By 2001 the United States will have gone the opposite of now and we will have a police state with lower crime rates, more prisons and more respect (fear) for authority. It will be bad for the country, but it’s because of what we’re allowing now. Also, I predict Steve Kern will be Chief of Police by 2001.” 

(Steve Kern was a detective who worked with us. He became a Division Chief and was a fine man always, but he didn’t become the Chief.)

Rand’s predictions: “I’ll be retired by then so I won’t care what is happening on the DPD. I’ll retire as a Lieutenant and move to the mountains. I think  the U.S. will still be fighting in Viet Nam until 1980, then have to leave without winning.  I predict all cars will be electric by 2001.”

(Rand became a sergeant before he left the police department in the 1980s to work in another career.)

My predictions: “By 2001 I’ll be having fun somewhere, probably in Arizona. I’ll have a successful career here and make rank, then write about my experiences. Denver will double in population. Mike O’Neill will be the Chief of Police by 1990.”

(Mike O’Neill became a Division Chief and certainly would have been a great Chief of Police, but didn’t get to that spot. Denver is still in the 500K range in population. I’m not in Arizona, and although my life is satisfying, it’s not “fun” as I envisioned it then.)

Predictions for 2011 and beyond: I’m sorry to say none of our predictions were cosmic in significance–although that is partly because we literally jotted them down in a few seconds on a scrap of paper. Tomorrow I’m going to take the time to make some personal and non-personal predictions and put more thought into them than I did in 1971.

Give that a try for yourself–and get your family and friends involved. Each person can keep their own envelopes or someone else can be designated as the keeper. I’m glad Ed and Rand asked me to keep theirs because I enjoyed reading them!

So………….what do you predict for a year from now? Five years? Ten years? What do you predict for your family? What do you think a car will cost in 2020?

Predictions for 2041: To show you how optimistic I am—I’m going to predict for 30 years from now and am looking forward to opening the envelope then. Well, maybe with some help from my boyfriend at the time!

December 30th, 2009 Posted by TLR | Life and Work, Personal and Professional Development | 11 comments

Pork Rind Cranberry Sauce–Sort Of

Developing a New Tradition

Several years ago my hair stylist (OK, it was really just the woman who cuts my hair…but hair stylist sounds better) and I were talking about traditional recipes for holiday dinners.  She said: “I always made traditional cranberry sauce until I found a recipe that sounded really weird but good and I decided to give it a try. My family loved it and never guessed what was in it!”

I asked her what made it so different and she said, “It’s Pork Rind Cranberry Sauce. And, before you say you wouldn’t like it–I promise it’s delicious.”

I was somewhat incredulous and asked about the recipe. She said, “You cook cranberry sauce just like always. Then, you stir in the pork rinds. It gives it a different taste, but nothing you can quite identify. My kids were absolutely crazy about it.”

I asked if the sauce had a different texture and she said no, that the pork rinds mixed right in. She made me promise I would try it some time, even if I didn’t think I would like it. I said I would, but would probably also make the regular kind.  She said, “You wait and see. People will eat more of this kind.”

I had already walked out of the beauty shop, but the recipe was on my mind and I turned back and interrupted her while she was cutting someone else’s hair. I asked her how much of the pork rinds she put in the sauce. She said,  “Not a lot, just enough for flavor. About a fourth cup for a regular recipe, but you can adjust that to taste. I just buy those little bottles of port wine at the liquor store.”

That was the first time I heard her clearly–and also the first time I realized the recipe she gave me was not for Pork Rind Cranberry Sauce, but for Port Wine Cranberry Sauce. Big difference.

Now you see why I stick to traditional recipes.

Note: As some of you may have noticed, this is a repeat of an article I wrote last year. I received several requests for it this year and thought I should publish it before the holidays were packed away. (Apparently it’s amusing to read about someone else’s crazy mistakes.)

December 26th, 2009 Posted by TLR | Food, Fitness, Fun | 7 comments

Highlights For Children Is Still Fun With A Purpose–For Any Age!!

If you have children or grandchildren or if you know or work with someone who does—let them know about HighlightsKids, a website that has puzzles, jokes and a lot more! I like Science in Action and the section on Giggles and Games (it has a “time travel” feature that is interesting.) The site is fun no matter what your age, so give it a look-see.

Also check on the regular Highlights website for things you can print.  My favorite items are the hidden pictures or the find the differences pictures. Here is the link for the page with hidden pictures. Go to the print-friendly version for larger views.  The site also has great ideas for kid parties (some of them are adaptable for fun parties for any age), as well as crafts and decorations. It can give you ideas for making a play area for your children or grandchildren that is as fun and interesting as a library, bookstore or schoolroom.

What does Highlights have to do with professional and personal development?  Remember Goofus and Gallant? They started as elves, in 1951 and have changed their appearances over the years, but the concept has stayed the same: Goofus complains, is rude, self-centered and unappreciative. Gallant is courteous, makes a sincere effort to get along with others, and is a pleasure to have around.  In your workplace who is a Goofus (or Goofette) and who is Gallant?  Does your training, corrective action, mentoring and evaluations correctly reflect the differences in those employees?

Which one are you–consistently,  dependably and definitely? Now and then critique your actions or conversations and decide how the situation would have been portrayed by Goofus and Gallant, in Highlights.  Fun with a purpose!

December 21st, 2009 Posted by TLR | Personal and Professional Development | 6 comments

What Excuse Will You Make For Them THIS Time?

Unacceptable  Excuses

* “Uh, Herman forgot to cover your car when he sprayed the paint on your house. Poor guy, he’s had a lot of problems at home lately, so there’s no point in making him feel worse.”

* “You won’t be getting  your paychecks this month. We’re doing more with less over here in Budget, so Mathilda completely forgot about the payroll. She feels awful about it, but I can’t blame her what with all work we’ve had to do.”

* “I know Roberto promised your invitations would be done in time to mail before the wedding, but you won’t be getting them until the week after that. You’ll be on your honeymoon by then anyway, so the delay shouldn’t be a big problem, right?”

* “OK, so my guys forgot to put brakes in a few hundred cars last week. They’re only human and they make mistakes now and then. How come no one mentions the hundreds of brakes they put in like they were supposed to?”

* “I’m sorry about your incision coming open and your intestines falling on the floor. If you had double-checked to make sure we sewed you up correctly, maybe it wouldn’t have happened.  However, I’m not going to play the blame game at this point. The important thing is that it was a learning experience for all of us.”

Stop Making Excuses For Late Work, Bad Work and No Work!

For all the times supervisors and managers complain about the work or behavior of employees, in most cases there are a dozen times when they make excuses:

• “My guys are really busy.”
• “She’s got problems at home.”
• “We were under a lot of time pressure.”
• “She feels unappreciated.”
• “He felt frustrated.”
• “It was really your fault.”

If you care about an employee, work with them to help them overcome stressful or unpleasant circumstances by putting their focus on their responsiblities. You don’t help them or anyone else–certainly not yourself–by making excuses or lowering standards. (If that sounds harsh, consider how many times you have complained about getting bad service or bad work in stores or businesses–don’t you wish excellence had been the standard?)

If an employee can’t behave or perform correctly, teach him or her to do it the right way. Then, provide oversight and assistance to ensure quality work. An internal or external customer should not  be the guinea pig on which an employee practices. Do quality checks while the work is being done, not when there is a complaint. (Sadly, many of the things that diminish your reputation and the reputation of your group will never be formally complained about.) 

If an employee can do the work acceptably but doesn’t, apologize to the person who received the poor service or a poor product and make it right. You don’t need to apologize in a way that demeans the employee, but there should be no doubt in the mind of the client or customer that you are sorry and you will make it right in the way they want, if possible.  

If the problem involves conflict or poor service within the work place, look for the primary contributor rather than automatically saying everyone was at fault. Sometimes only one employee is creating the problem–hold that employee accountable rather than talking to everyone in a meeting or memo.

Don’t be too mild when you tell the employee about the problem. Many supervisors make the mistake of downplaying the seriousness of a work problem, as a way to help the employee save face or as a way to avoid conflict. However, when you talk to the employee, you should make it clear in what you say and how you say it that the behavior or performance wasn’t acceptable and that it must improve, starting immediately. Try to involve the employee in the actions required to make-up to the customer for the poor product or results. Consider The One Minute Manager approach, which calls for brief but specific conversations.

Support and praise good work and don’t accept bad work. Never allow a culture of mediocrity to develop. You owe that to your organization, the people you serve, employees who are doing the right things, the employee who didn’t do the right thing–and you owe it to yourself. The first time you hear an excuse, call it what it is and don’t accept it. There might be reasons that are justified–a needed item didn’t arrive, someone else didn’t do their work, someone was gone legitimately. Even in those cases, often someone could have prevented the problem if they had been on top of the situation.

The next time you make an excuse, let someone off the hook, back down, change a deadline, approve substandard work, or are too mild in your critique of bad work, think about all the times:

• When you have planned on an assignment being done and found out it wasn’t;
• When the work product was a big disappointment to you but you accepted it anyway;
• When you have been more worried than the employee about a problem;
• When you re-did something or got someone else to do it, but didn’t tell the person responsible;
• When you had to back-pedal and make excuses to someone higher than you;
• When you have had to smooth things out, field complaints or put a good spin on something;
• When you have taken the heat for something someone else failed to do or did poorly, and they didn’t even say thank you.

Aren’t you tired of that? If it happens tomorrow, what excuse will you be quick to provide? What excuse will you accept? Why should you accept any excuse at all, especially if even one other employee is doing good work with good behavior in the same circumstances?

How would this one set with you?

“Hey, I know you told Jake you wanted your tattoo to read,  ‘I’m a Lover’, but you gotta’ admit, ‘I’m a Loser’  is close.” 

December 16th, 2009 Posted by TLR | Challenging and Problematic People, Service to Customers, Clients and Coworkers, Supervision and Management | 6 comments

Don’t CC on Unpleasant Emails

If you feel you must send a critical or corrective email at work, think carefully about whether you should copy (cc) anyone.  More often than not, it only escalates the hostility. It often presents you in a negative way, even to the person being copied. It gives the appearance you are telling the cc recipient:

“See how I’m trying to do good work but she isn’t?”

“I want you to be aware of what I’m having to deal with!”

“This is in case you don’t know what a jerk Greg is.”

“Why don’t you do something about this situation?”

“I’m writing really tough because I’m playing to an audience.”

To the original recipient it sounds like, “You’re going to get in trouuuuble!”

Alternatives To CCs

1. Blind copy (bc) the higher level person, so the main recipient doesn’t know you are copying anyone. This can be effective when your boss has asked for a copy, but no good purpose would be served by making it obvious. Check #4 for another option.

2. Wait for the response and, if it there is still a need, forward both to the person you think needs to know. You may get a response that solves the problem and your boss will not have to deal with the first email.

3. If someone else (your boss or their boss) needs to know about an ongoing problem, just write to that person directly and ask for assistance. Don’t use the disingenuous method of copying them on an unpleasant email, under the guise of keeping them informed.

4. If someone else needs to be kept informed and have all the information about a situation (and there may be many legitimate reasons for that) rather than blind copying, which prevents you from sending a personal note, re-send your message or your response message or forward it to them. In that message explain why you are sending it or add any other information that is needed. Just be sure there is a good reason to send it to someone else, beyond pointing out the bad actions of the other person and your good actions in comparison.

5. Consider not sending an email at all when you can talk to someone in person or make a phone call. Emails are effective for documentation, but often they should be reserved for when your first efforts to solve a problem haven’t worked. Talk to your manager or supervisor to make sure your response, whether in person or by email, is likely to be effective.

There are certainly times when it is necessary to send a written message to clarify an issue, make a statement or point out a problem as a way to solve it.  There are also times when you must respond to those types of messsages, using a strong tone. However, a negative reaction and response is almost guaranteed when the recipient sees you have “told on” him or her to someone higher up. Is the cc necessary this time?

Really?

December 13th, 2009 Posted by TLR | Life and Work, Personal and Professional Development | 5 comments

How Much Are You Demanding Of Yourself?

We distinguish the excellent man from the common man by saying that the former is the one who makes great demands upon himself, and the latter is one who makes no demands on himself.

Most of us want to be thought of as excellent–in our work, in our example, in our efforts and ethics, in our health and appearance and in our outlook on life. We want to be excellent parents, excellent friends, excellent employees, supervisors, managers or leaders.  We don’t want to be common in the sense it was used in this thought, as unexceptional, mediocre and unimpressive. (The examples we see of that condition are enough to motivate us!)

Señor Ortega y Gasset was correct: Achieving excellence (or improving substantially) requires making demands on ourselves–perhaps asking of ourselves actions that are difficult or uncomfortable mentally or physically, or that require time and effort. It’s rarely easy. Most of us have to say, ”I want this from you, Mind, Body and Spirit. I know you can give it to me and I won’t settle for less, so do it!”

What do you want to demand of yourself today, this week or in the coming year?  It doesn’t have to be a dramatic accomplishment to be worthy of demanding more. Maybe you need to more consistently fulfill the requirements of your work role. Maybe you need to focus on a new or renewed good habit; or stopping one thing and starting something else; or being your best self even when you are tempted to be otherwise. It’s all worth the effort, and all of it will give you a wonderful sense of  achievement.

Remember, you can’t hint or hope, even to yourself, and expect to achieve. You will have to command, insist and refuse to accept anything less than what you want.  That is the ultimate self-discipline that leads to excellence.  Be demanding!

December 7th, 2009 Posted by TLR | Life and Work, Personal and Professional Development | 13 comments

When A Coworker Is Getting On Your Nerves

Part of maturity and effectiveness at work is learning to deal with (translation: Smile, grit your teeth and tolerate) the behavior of others who have different styles, traits, habits and perspectives than yours. However, there comes a time when a coworker is negatively effecting your work or your mental or emotional state or when you are making unreasonable adjustments for their benefit. What can you do then? The answer isn’t the same in every situation, but some guidelines can be applied:

1. Make sure you aren’t part of the problem.  Could it be that the irritating behavior of others is a reaction to your own quirky behavior? If others have hinted to you or joked about something you do or say, or if you are well known for an approach that is irritating to others, face up to the fact that you might be part of the problem. Work to change before you work to change others. You may want to acknowledge your part of the problem to the other person and negotiate what you will both change.

2. Consistently and appropriately be clear about what what is bothering you.  Don’t expect someone to know you are upset if you ignore it most of the time, laugh or joke about it sometimes but only now and then act upset.

3. React in a way that is appropriate for the situation. Don’t react in a way that is rude, disruptive or hurtful.  When you fire back a nasty retort, use obscenities or rude gestures, or gossip and complain excessively behind somone’s back, you become the problem as well–and you lose the support you might have had. What you say or do will depend upon the severity and impact of the actions of the other person. You may say something with a reproving smile and gentle tone or you may have a frown and sound briskly adamant, according to the situation.

 Trying to suggest phrases is always difficult because there are so many verbal nuances that are missed, and you have your own verbal style. However, here is a mix of  mild, moderate and strong responses you might make.

“Stop. Stop. Stop.” (This can be said with a smile, a frown, while holding up a hand or while leaving the conflict, according to the situation. When you have the attention of the other person, talk directly but courteously about what is bothering you.)
“Uh oh, that’s getting close to being over the line!”
“Don’t.” (You may have to say it more than once, but often it is all that needs to be said.)
“That’s really distracting. Would you please stop?”
“Lisa, what caused that tone of voice?”
“I don’t understand why you did that. Tell me.”
“You sound upset, but I don’t know why. Are you?”
“How did you mean that the way it sounded?”
“You said that jokingly but I think you were serious. Were you joking or serious?”
“Greg, please don’t do that anymore.”
“That kind of remark makes me feel (how?).”
“Tricia, what would make you think I would respond well to that? I don’t. So don’t do it again.”
“That approach doesn’t work well with me, so you might as well stop it now.”
“Matt, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt about your motives, but this has got to stop. Now.”
“OK, I can see this isn’t going well. Let’s talk to (the supervisor or manager) and get this worked out, now.”

3. When your direct, appropriate communication doesn’t help the situation, get assistance. If you have communicated about a problem clearly and the coworker is aware of your feelings, but continues to do the same disruptive things, go to your manager, Human Resources section or someone else who can either advise you or assist you.  Don’t complain incessantly, vow revenge, play dirty tricks or seethe inwardly. Go to your manager and ask for advice or make a formal complaint, according to the seriousness of the situation. You will get stronger results if you write your concern or at least ask for a formal interview time with your manager, rather than complaining in a general sense but not asking for action to be taken.

 Be prepared to hear your manager sound less concerned than you are.  However, if you are told to continue to accept the behavior of the other person, courteously stand your ground and insist something must change–unless you feel you have no other choice in order to stay out of trouble yourself.  Many (if not most) managers hope a conflict or problem will go away so they don’t have to deal with it.  They are more likely to take action about something that effects work performance than they are about behavior. So, link the behavior to how it is effecting your work and the work of others or to the final work product.

Until you have directly talked to your manager, don’t make the assumption that nothing will be done. If you only complain in a general way or if you are a big part of the problem, you are less likely to get action.  But until you have tried to get help from a higher level, you don’t know for sure what will happen.

4. If the action continues, escalate your complaint but still stay appropriate. If you believe the situation merits it, write a strong letter requesting your manager investigate and intervene to ensure the behavior stops. If that doesn’t work, go higher. Take it as far as you need to take it, within reason for the situation. (Just make sure you are being a valuable employee at the same time.)

 The bottom line: Most problems between coworkers are never confronted openly and courteously, they are only complained about. Or,  the complaining employee will covertly sabotage the work or reputation of the other employee.  That is how conflicts develop and why they continue and get worse. You don’t need to be harsh to get your point across to a coworker whose work style or habits are bothering you. On the other hand, if you never say you are bothered, why should the other employee be concerned? As usual, honest but appropriate communication is the key to making things better.

Do you work with someone whose manner or actions disrupt, irritate or disturb you or make work more difficult? The situation won’t improve on its own, so do something effective about it–or at least try.

December 2nd, 2009 Posted by TLR | Personal and Professional Development, Service to Customers, Clients and Coworkers | 5 comments