Labels about people and work environments often take the place of accurate description and clear thinking. It’s easy and sometimes helpful to use a descriptive term to give someone an overall idea about someone without doing into great detail. Unfortunately, those terms are often over-dramatized and invariably unpleasant.
In addition, pop psychology labels or sarcastic terms often replace an effort to understand a problem and develop a solution. It is much easier for someone to refer to a workplace as toxic than to admit he or she might be causing many of the problems, or to work for an improved workplace. It’s easier to say the boss is abusive and you are being victimized, than to analyze why so many others think he is a decent person and think you are an ineffective communicator.
Even if the accusation is true, using a label can make a conflict worse because it shuts down attempts to improve things. Once you have decided an employee is a slug, you will tend to stop treating him as though he can learn to do better and wants to do better, with your support. Once you say your boss is a micro-manager you will tend to view every request or direction as irritating and unnecessary.
Using a descriptive term can be convenient–just make sure you define your term and that you discuss the whole person not just one aspect of his or her style that you don’t care for. All of us are more than a label can accurately describe.
Negative labels often just reflect the perspective of one person. I receive many emails about workplace issues, and I understand the concerns many people have. However, I become frustrated and irritated at how quickly writers assign an unpleasant, negative label to people they don’t like and situations with which they have problems. You may recall me talking about this in my articles about abuse and harassment. My view was that abuse and harassment are much more than discourtesy and insensitivity. Yet, often when people say they have been harassed or abused, the details only indicate incivility and dislike–often from both directions.
Not long ago I received an email from someone who said her supervisor was a Dinosaur Brain (from the book of the same name.) She used jargon from the book as well as a magazine article she had read to “diagnose” the problem. I asked for specifics, and it turns out her boss has many good qualities, but doesn’t incorporate most of her suggestions for work. That may only mean her suggestions are not very good. Or, it may mean her boss wants to be in charge of everything or that he must go by another protocol. His actions may indicate many things, but calling him Mr. Dinosaur Brains behind his back and assuming his actions are solely because he is small-minded and unwilling to change, is disrespectful and as hurtful to their working relationship as if he referred to her as Ms. Ditz Brain. (And he may.)
The Bottom Line: Watch yourself when you start throwing around a term that sounds nasty enough to fit someone you don’t like or negative enough to describe your workplace–the way you perceive it. Only use the term if you can also fully describe what behavior that person is exhibiting and why you think the term is appropriate, or what preponderance of evidence you have to show that almost everything at work is harmful to people working there. Be able to say what you have done to help make the situation better, apart from popular jargon and name-calling.
For every label or description you think about using, make the conscious effort to describe specific behavior or situations to illustrate your point. Be able to define your terms so others will know what you mean and upon what you are basing your remarks. Doing that might help you realize that while you may not like a person or situation, things aren’t quite as awful as your dramatically horrible label would indicate. Or, it might reinforce your perceptions with supportive evidence.
So there, you Vile Troll, you.
February 21st, 2009
Posted by
TLR |
Challenging and Problematic People, Personal and Professional Development, Supervision and Management |
9 comments
Self Indulgent Apologies
“I’m sorry. What more can I say?”
“Yep, go ahead and blame me. It was my fault. I’m an idiot. Kick me if you want.”
“Sorry.”
“OK. I admit it. I’m only human and I made a mistake. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry I reacted like I did, but you made me do it.”
“I’m so, so, SO sorry! This will never happen again. I swear!”
Saying “I’m sorry” isn’t always enough–and often isn’t anything. Flimsy apologies are often used in an attempt to get off the hook or merely to mouth acceptable words without any real significance. Often the tone is flippant, dismissive, irritated or resentful. But, what about that last example? It sounds sincere, doesn’t it? It also sounded sincere the five other times over the last month that the employee did the same thing and apologized profusely.
Using the analogy of domestic violence, “I’m sorry” is usually the honeymoon time that starts another cycle of abuse. In workplaces “I’m sorry” is often just the brief time before yet another problem behavior and/or performance situation.
In one personnel action I reviewed, I noted that the employee apologized for her actions over fifty times in six statements and interviews. I also noted that the supervisor referred to the apology as if it was mitigation for the bad behavior. “My recommendation is based, in part, on the fact that this employee apologized for her actions and has promised she will not repeat them.”
At one point the employee apologized to a coworker, but the coworker wouldn’t accept it and said she didn’t believe her. The supervisor wrote, “I think in this case Lisa did all she could do to apologize and I am disappointed that Sandy won’t accept it in the spirit in which it was given.” (I think Sandy knew the spirit in which it was given!)
Clarifying apologies as a supervisor: If you are a supervisor or manager, there is a temptation to accept even a sullen apology as a way to end a discussion about bad behavior or performance. Don’t do it! Be honest about the tone you are hearing, or the fact that an apology has not resulted in changed behavior in the past. Follow even sincere sounding apologies with these questions: “What are you going to do to make this better, right now? And, what are you going to do to keep it from happening again?”
Repentance, in any context, is worthless if the person doesn’t purposefully turn away from the wrong thing. As a supervisor you can help make that happen by insisting that the employee tell you what he or she will do instead of the wrong thing.
Dealing with apologies as a co-worker: If you are a coworker being given an apology that sounds shallow to you, civil honesty is also the best approach. “Beth, I hear what you are saying, but I don’t feel you mean it because you continue to treat me and others this way. Even your tone is more like you are being forced to say it. So, tell me…what are you going to do to make this right, and what specific things are you going to do to keep yourself from doing this again?”
If he or she has an adequate response, at least you will know the person is sincerely trying. If not, you are correct to not fake an acceptance of a fake apology. Try this response: “I want to believe you, so I’ll wait to see if what you say is backed up by what you do. That’s when I’ll feel I can accept your apology as sincere.”
If you need to apologize: Say you’re sorry. Say what you are going to do right now to try to make things right. Say what you are going to do to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Live up to it.
Don’t apologize to keep someone happy, when you don’t really mean it, and don’t apologize when you have done nothing wrong and are only trying to keep the peace. Say you are sorry for the things you truly would do differently if you could, and that you feel badly about. But, if you should apologize, make it have significance. Hopefully you won’t need to apologize very often!
I’m sorry this article is so long. I’ll make it right by stopping now, and next time I’ll edit my posts to keep them shorter for easier reading. I promise!
February 12th, 2009
Posted by
TLR |
Challenging and Problematic People, Life and Work, Personal and Professional Development, Supervision and Management |
6 comments
Do all compliments have to be absolutely, positively, definitely truthful? I have decided the answer is no–or at least, not always in all situations. Sometimes it’s nice to hear a “Well done!” “You add some class to this place!” or “You were SO helpful!” even if the person complimenting is just saying it to move the conversation along, as a social remark, or to perk you up. Here’s how I know:
This website allows me to approve comments before they appear, which helps prevent anything unsavory from offending your delicate sensibilities. It also stops the mass-mailed ads which plague most sites that allow comments. However, there is a new kind of spam marketing which can fake out the unwary administrator. The idea is to send generic complimentary comments to blogs and other sites, with the hope the blog will link back to you, the url will be listed with the comment, or the recipient will come to your site to check you out.
Yes, I know they aren’t sincere complimentary comments. But, sometimes my spirit is parched, dry, without water, lacking in moisture, as if no rain has fallen on it, as if it is in sandy soil, crumbling, as if it will never feel raindrops again, completely windblown and desolate, as if all fluid had been evaporated from it, waterless, arid, as if it is living in Baca. (That’s an inside joke with my daughter, Shannon, so don’t be surprised if you don’t understand it. Suffice it say, it’s a bad condition to be in!) Anyway, when that happens any pleasant comment is welcome and when I read the fake ones, I like to pretend they are from you. Here are some I have received in the last week and that I cherish as if they were from dear, dear friends (spelling errors were in the originals):
“I dint know much about these topic and you are very smart to write. Link to me.”
“This is a comment to say you have good blog. Link to me.”
“Very nice!” (Which was thoughtful, since the person took time out from marketing generic drugs to send it to me.)
“Of all the blogs I have read this is the best.” (This one might have been genuine, you never know.)
“Intelligent ideas!” (Ditto above)
“When can we see more on this fact?”
“Tahnk you for letting me read your good thoughts.”
“Keep writing more. LInk to me.”
I ask you, how could I dislike such an outpouring of positive thoughts?
Compliment someone just to be nice and to make them feel good. You may have read that compliments that are not sincere don’t mean much to the recipient. I think the issue is that they don’t mean much if they are not said in a sincere manner and if they are not meant in a positive spirit. But, as long as you smile, look directly at the person, give them your attention and make it clear that you care about them and their work, the comment itself can be non-specific, hackneyed and not even completely true, but it will still have value and still be appreciated. It’s the equivalent of saying “Thanks for your help” or “Have a great day.” Try it soon and you will see that even the most basic compliment or greeting is appreciated, the person receiving it will translate it as they need it, and they’ll almost always respond with a smile–and that is the ultimate goal.
To quote a compliment I recently received, and which has kept my spirit out of Baca, “Your writing is accurate. Link to me.”
February 5th, 2009
Posted by
TLR |
Life and Work, Personal and Professional Development |
8 comments
