There is more to be said about this issue than could handled in a dozen articles. However, perhaps the sum of the parts we cover here can help us develop some plans of action for our own work groups.
Throughout this five part series I have emphasized that I believe the two words, discourtesy and contention, are more appropriate for most unpleasant behaviors at work, than more emotional terms such as bully or toxic.
Nevertheless, discourteous and contentious behavior is harmful to individuals, the team and the organization and should be stopped. It is important for us to remember this about discourtesy: It is habitual. If an employee is discourteous to you or to others when you are present, how can you trust that employee to be courteous to clients, customers and those in other parts of your organization, when you are not present?
Can we have consistent courtesy? That brings us to this article, which poses the question: Is it possible to have consistent courtesy at work? My answer is: Yes, with wiggle room. It is probably not possible to eliminate all behavior that results in bad feelings or frustration. It is likely not possible to prevent inadvertently frustrating or even hurtful situations. However, it is possible to make courtesy such a standard that discourtesy is rare and is never part of a pattern of conduct.
How To Ensure Courtesy and Stop Discourtesy
The following list mixes corrective and supportive responses–with an emphasis on correction. My experience has been that approaching a problem with a hammer is not always the best solution, but neither is gentle nudging when bad behavior is sticking out like a rusty nail! I have seen far too many supervisors and managers tip-toe around someone’s discourteous behavior, while the discourteous person was bludgeoning everyone else.
1. Make courteous actions a fundamental requirement for successful performance in your workplace. Courtesy between co-workers is not optional, it is required. The complete picture of good work includes effective behavior, no matter what the circumstances. An employee who is habitually and purposely discourteous, rude or snippy to others is not a “good” employee, no matter how effective he or she is at some other task.
Quick question: What would you do if an employee was late to work, late back from breaks and late returning from lunch, day after day after day? Rude, hurtful or spiteful behavior does more long-term damage to the workplace than being late by a few minutes. One of the great injustices we commit at work is jumping quickly on any discrepancy related to administrative rules but repeatedly failing to correct behavior that is far more harmful.
Do not underestimate the negative affects of repeated discourtesies, and do not overestimate the good character of someone who is repeatedly discourteous. The moralist and essayist Jean de La Bruyere, said it very well: “Discourtesy does not spring merely from one bad quality, but from several–from foolish vanity, from ignorance of what is due to others,..from contempt of others, from jealousy.”
Whatever the cause, one person can poison a meeting, a project, an office or the entire organization. If they choose to be discourteous or contentious when they could be otherwise, they need to be stopped. If they do so from lack of ability or self-control, they need to be taught.
2. All employees should feel confident they can ask for assistance to help with conflict, contention or mistreatment. Employeees should not be required to confront the other person, although that is a skill that should be taught and supported when it is appropriate–as I will mention below. However, it is still a supervisory responsibility to intervene on behalf of those who need assistance.
My mistake as a supervisor and manager was to drag my feet about taking action if the other person would not first talk to the person involved. As I gained supervisory experience and maturity I realized how many people do not have the kind of confidence, skills or courage to do that. It was my responsibility not only theirs. If I felt the complaining employee was equally problematic–as I often did–I should have said so and taken action to bring about changes in the behavior of both people. However, I should have done something about the things I observed or heard about.
As part of our support for employees we should teach them how to effectively deal with behavior that bothers them:
*Talk directly to the person involved and ask what was behind the remark or action.
*Hold up a hand like a stop sign and simply say, “Stop. I don’t like it when you treat me like that.”
*Get subtle behavior out in the open. “Jill, I see you are rolling your eyes. If you don’t agree with me, say it rather than doing that.”
*Go to the supervisor with specific information rather than generalized complaints.
*Be aware of personal actions that might create situations where discourtesy is more likely.
*Be willing to to talk to the coworker with the supervisor present.
3. Develop and maintain a work environment where unacceptable behavior is unaccepted by everyone. For every person who is discourteous and every person who is being treated discourteously, there are usually a dozen people who hear it or see it and shake their heads, but do nothing about it except be grateful they were not the target.
Responses should be appropriate for the situation, but coworkers should respond to stop discourtesy. Sometimes a mere shake of the head will convey the message, or the employee can say something supportive of the person under attack. Other times the employee needs to tell a rude coworker to stop.
4. Commend employees who can disagree and still be agreeable. Commend those who are courteous all the time, especially when there could be a temptation to do otherwise. Thank those people and let them know they are appreciated. However, do not thank them for tolerating rude behavior by a coworker, and take that as a sign that you do not have to deal with it. No employee should have to turn the other cheek while nothing is done about the slapper!
When you are in a meeting that could be contentious but is not, commend everyone for their professional conduct. Let everyone know that part of good work is being able to disagree in a courteous way that encourages communication rather than shuts it down. .
5. Intervene about employees whose actions increase the chances he or she will become a target of contentious behavior. Sometimes the behavior or performance of an employee becomes so frustrating and irritating that coworkers supervise in their own way through not-so-subtle nastiness. We do not have to preach conformity, we only have to ensure that strange, weird, irritating or disruptive behavior is reduced as much as possible. It is your job to supervise, not the job of coworkers.
6. Take supervisory and managerial responsiblity for preventing and stopping discourtesy:
- Make courtesy and civility part of your new-employee orientation and a regular part of training and reinforcement at staff meetings. Make it clear about what is not acceptable at work, then discuss what is expected instead.
•The social graces of smiling and returning smiles, saying courtesy words and offering to help others is an expected part of professional communications.
•Verbal communications should reflect a tone of respect, not angry outbursts, sarcasm, verbal jabs, or contempt.
•It is not acceptable to to forward, copy and blind-copy e-mail as a way to make others look bad or to continue an argument “in public.” E-mail and phone messages should reflect courtesy and cooperation.
•Gossip and speculation aimed at undermining the reputation or influence of others, or to create contention, is wrong.
•If a formerly manageable conflict has become a full-time contentious situation, one or both employees should seek assistance to deal with it.
- Intervene the moment you hear or see discourteous behavior, unless there is a strong reason to not do so.
You can make eye contact and shake your head slightly, or you can say something as simple as, “Hey, be nice.” ”No, no, we don’t do that here.” ”Uh uh!” “That’s not the way we talk to each other.” You may talk to the employee in private later, but you must stop the behavior right then. If a supervisor or manager observes rude behavior but does not indicate displeasure at the time, what message is sent?
- Never shrug off rude, discourteous or contentious behavior as just the way someone is or as an inevitable part of work.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I have heard a supervisor excuse outrageous behavior by saying, “That’s just the way he is.” But, why should that be so? Why should all the nice people in your office have to learn to adjust to one or two rude people who are not required to practice restraint and courtesy?
- Do not put the blame on both people if only one is creating the problem, but do not put the blame on one person if both people are responsible equally. Investigate, but do not assume the conflict or discourtesy is two-sided or one-sided.
- Be direct and appropriately corrective, to ensure that an employee who has been discourteous knows the behavior cannot happen again. Do not accept, “I’ll try” as an answer.
- The minute you sense someone is becoming a target for teasing, tormenting or harassing behavior, put a stop to it. Even if the employee reacts as though it is funny, do not let it continue.
- Look out for those who look up to you and depend upon you to protect them. If you see an employee being treated in a contemptuous or rude way by a coworker, by those in other departments or even by your own manager, you will lose respect from everyone if you do not take action about it.
No special situation is required to have conflict, contention or discourtesy–all it takes is a group of humans. However, some employees feel a stronger sense of responsibility for courtesy and cooperation than others do. We cannot assume everyone will be courteous and we should not tolerate discourtesy by one or more employees as mere personal foibles. Discourtesy can rapidly develop into the behavior described by some as bullying–and whether or not we agree with the term, it is a nasty situation for a workplace.
Having a work environment that is marked by courtesy and civility, in spite of personality and style differences is not always easy to achieve, but it can be done. Your role as a supervisor or manager is a key one for leading employees toward being decent, courteous, civil and cooperative. Hold the line on this one–it is important!
April 18th, 2008
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TLR |
Life and Work, Personal and Professional Development, Supervision and Management |
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This post ties in with the first two, Delegating Dilemmas and Delegating–When and Why.
How supervisors can delegate effectively:
1. Be honest and positive, rather than over-selling what is essentially just a task that needs to be done. If you simply want to assign a task you have been doing–or could do–to someone else, assign it in an upbeat way and move on. Do not attempt to sell it as a great career opportunity unless it really is.
2. Keep a record of delegated tasks so you can reflect it on performance evaluations, in conversations, for follow-up and monitoring, and to ensure you do not overuse one or a few employees. Be as effusive in your praise as you honestly can be.
3. Maintain a relationship in your workplace that is so positive with most employees they are not likely to resent your delegation of tasks. When employees know of your commitment and work ethic they are more positive about taking on more work themselves–even work they know you were originally assigned to do.
4. Do not apologize for delegating or directing work. Some supervisors assign work as though they are afraid they are going to be kicked by the employee. Just do it–in a courteous, smiling way that assumes everyone is willing to work to their maximum.
5. Ensure the employee knows how to do the assigned work and has the resources and authority required.
6. Follow-up and monitor. If the delegated work is a one-time project that will take time over several days or weeks, both the supervisor and employee should schedule check-in times. If the work is being permanently delegated, a few follow-up times may be all that is needed, except for routine supervisory awareness.
7. Make work delegation a way for you to evaluate behavior and performance. When new work is assigned is often the main time we find out what the character and personality of an employee is really like. That is also the time to immediately communicate about it to the employee, positively or in a corrective manner.
8. Watch and listen for how an employee is reacting to delegated work. If he or she portrays someone who is overworked and harried, it may be true–or the employee may be over-dramatizing to get sympathy, impress others, or present you in a negative light. Do not let that continue. It may indicate that you need to reassign the work to someone else, or provide support or training. It certainly presents a bad image of your sensitivity to workloads, whether it is justified behavior or not. Find out the problem and work with the employee to correct it.
9. Make good use of your own time, so that clearing your desk of work does not just become freeing you up to sit and chat, read a newspaper for several hours every day, leave early to play golf, or play video games on the computer. (I have seen all of those things done by supervisors who bragged about knowing how to delegate.)
10. Remember that supervisors are ultimately responsible. It is rarely an accepted excuse that you thought an employee was doing the right thing. The old adage is true that you delegate the authority to complete a task, but you do cannot delegate supervisory responsibility for it.
There are three issues that apply to every aspect of work–especially to delegation: Expectations, communications and overall work relationships. Keep those positive and delegating work becomes easy.
April 17th, 2008
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Supervision and Management |
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If you are a supervisor and feel perpetually pressured for time, you probably need to manage your time more effectively. (I feel incredibly guilty writing that, because I am notorious for being under time pressure. This is a classic case of “Do as I say because I know it’s right, even if I have trouble applying it.”)
- Stop wasting time in unproductive activities that are not related to actual work!
- Stop volunteering for work that no one really expects you to do. (Remember that it only makes you feel good to volunteer, not to actually do it.)
- Stop doing work that is lower level than your job description.
- Share work, or give it to employees who would like the challenge or the novelty of something you are now doing or have been asked to do by your manager.
That brings us to this post. Delegation is a prime employee-development and supervisory time-management tool.
Some reminders about delegation:
1. It is appropriate for supervisors and managers to delegate work down to the lowest level capable of doing it (within job descriptions).
2. Delegating work is one of the best ways to help employees gain higher-level skills. If they aspire to higher positions in the organization, it can be helpful for that reason. If they do not, they will learn to see some of the bigger picture of what it takes to make an organization work.
3. Delegating work often results in work improvement. (A supervisor needs to watch that an employee doesn’t improve a task out of existence–unless that is a good idea!)
4. Delegating provides one more way for supervisors to train, commend, re-direct, be valuable, and in other ways gain more influence in the lives of employees.
5. Work that is delegated now and then, but not all the time, can positively break-up the routine.
6. Work that is delegated permanently can allow supervisors to focus on other key tasks and allow employees to become a resource, or to feel more valued as a team member.
Do some self-talk if you have to, to get comfortable with the idea of looking over your stack of work and parceling out to as many people as possible. A bit here and a bit there and you might help yourself a great deal–even if you have to spend a few minutes explaining a task. Delegation is probably why so many other managers seem much less harried and pressured than you do! And, you can bet you won’t be left twiddling your thumbs. But you may be able to go home almost on time.
April 17th, 2008
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Supervision and Management |
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There seem to be some tremendous differences of opinion about the concept and reality of delegating and directing work–in fact, those terms are not even used in many training courses on supervision and management. I use them in my training, because whether we talk about them or not they are concepts that allow organizations, and the people in them, to work effectively. They are also tremendous tools for interacting in a positive way with employees. On the other hand, mishandled they have the potential for creating conflict, frustration and bad feelings. As with most workplace issues, the problems seem to be rooted in expectations, communication and overall work relationships.
Not long ago some class participants from the same organization were discussing with me at break, the degree to which their manager passed work along to them. One person said, “Fortunately, she usually comes to our cubicles to give us something to do, and I can see her cubicle. So, the second I see her move in our direction I either go to the restroom or I act really, really frustrated over something I’m working on. I skate out of 90% of the stuff that way.” Her coworkers looked stunned to hear what she had been doing for months! What I found ironic was that these were supervisors attending a class on supervising challenging employees!
I questioned the situation and their perspectives and they explained the situation in a bit more positive way. Nevertheless, their views about delegating or directing work were clearly skewed against the concept as they had seen it practiced, and their manager had said and done things that indicated to me she had a faulty perspective and used some ineffective methods.
The differences between delegating and directing (the semantics matter):
When a supervisor directs work to be done, it is often work that is organizationally the responsibility of the person who will do it, or is being reassigned between similar levels.
- “Shawn, we got ten new files today and I’ll get those to you.”
- “Beth, I just found out you’ll need to have the audit done by June this year. Let’s meet to plan that.”
- “Bill, drive by this address today and check it to see if there are any building code violations.”
- “Ron and Pat, I’m moving some tasks around between you two.”
When a supervisor delegates work to be done, it is most often work that could appropriately be done by the supervisor, but it is also appropriate–and perhaps even preferable–for an employee to do it.
- “Shawn, I’d like you to start keeping the spreadsheet on completed files. I’ll show you how it’s done.”
- “Beth, from now on I’d like you to represent us on the Audit Team, since you are the one directly involved in it.”
- “Bill, I have a bunch of letters to get out to various contractors, but I can’t get them done this week. I’m going to get some of them to you and I’d appreciate your help getting them handled.”
- “Ron and Pat, starting with this upcoming staff meeting, I’m going to have you two be in charge of arranging them.”
Delegating work becomes problematic when:
- Employees have knowledge or opinions about what supervisors should or could be doing on their own, and they resent or resist doing work they believe to be outside their job descriptions.
- A busy employee is given delegated work by a supervisor and the supervisor seems to do little work of his own.
- Supervisors delegate work but do not train about it.
- Supervisors delegate work but do not feel comfortable giving it up, so they provide excessive instructions.
- Supervisors only delegate unpleasant tasks but not interesting and challenging tasks.
- Supervisors do not often delegate, so when they do it is less accepted than if it was a regular practice.
- Supervisors do not often delegate and employees do not have the opportunity to gain higher-level skills.
- The same few people are given extra work repeatedly, because they are usually pleasant about it.
- Workplace communications and relationships are so problematic that negative reactions to delegation of work are based primarily on negative feelings in general.
Work that should not be delegated:
- Oversight of other employees, except as part of a clearly defined and limited team role.
- Tasks that a supervisor is expected to handle personally, either because of organizational culture or the expectations of the manager.
- When errors could have severe repercussions and the supervisor is more appropriate for doing the task.
- Relationship roles with other units or organizations when it is important for the supervisor or manager to be the liaison.
- Work that will require more training than there is time is available to provide it. Do not put employees in a sink or swim situation with an important task.
One tried and true way to know what things you might delegate is to ask yourself this: If you were gone for many months, what work would have to be given to someone of your organizational level and what work could the organization parcel out to those you supervise?
April 16th, 2008
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TLR |
Supervision and Management |
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The most pervasively negative
workplace behavior:
Discourtesy and Contention
It is trendy to call obnoxious people bullies, to to describe unpleasant supervisors as toxic. However, there are less dramatic ways to discuss behavior that should be corrected–then, correct it.
The behavior I consider the most problematic in workplaces is behavior that is:
Impolite, unmannerly and rude
Pestering, stress producing and disruptive
Devious, unfriendly and undermining
Obnoxious, offensive and irritating
Argumentative, uncooperative and self-serving
Tormenting, sniping or purposefully hurtful
Any of those behaviors could be described as discourteous. If they are unrelenting, frequent, habitual, regular or pervasive, they more likely fit the description of being contentious–part of a long-term conflict or frequent behavior that a reasonable person would consider unpleasant, disrespectful or uncivil to others.
Those two terms–discourtesy and contention–are not so dramatic sounding as some of the other terms that might be used, but I think they are more apt because they:
•Are less emotion-laden and offensive than bully, toxic or evil.
•Describe behavior instead of labeling a person.
•More clearly describes the reality of workplace communication problems.
•Do not automatically place people in the roles of aggressors and victims.
•Provide supervisors and coworkers with acceptable terms for documenting complaints.
However, do not doubt that discourtesy and contention can take a terrible toll on employees and the workplace.
Be on the look-out for these examples of discourteous and contentious behavior:
*Facial expressions and gestures that are rude, mocking or demeaning.
*Purposely not smiling or responding to attempts to be appropriately friendly. Stone face.
*Using email to escalate a conflict or make someone look badly by forwarding or copying messages unnecessarily.
*Mocking, smirking, eye-rolling, smothered laughter or looking at others when someone else talks.
*Practical jokes that disrupt the work of others or create stress for them.
*Refusing to assist or pretending to not notice that assistance is needed.
*Using a tone of voice that is snippy, irritated sounding, hostile, contemptuous or sarcastic.
*Confronting people about a conflict in an excessively aggressive manner.
*Accusations, excessive emotionalism.
*Finding fault; excessively correcting others; pointing out flaws in an unhelpful way.
*Making work more difficult than it needs to be or purposely delaying work.
*Disingenuous remarks designed to create problems for others.
*Responding to requests with heavy sighs, resentful actions, anger or excessive questioning.
*Stomping, slamming doors, drawers and phones, making unnecessary noise and clamor.
*Purposely or repeatedly doing things that are unpleasant, foul, obnoxious, distracting and disruptive.
Why supervisors and managers should take immediate and strong action about discourtesy and hostility:
- It can demoralize and demotivate the target and those who witness it and creates stress and uneasiness for everyone.
- It takes the focus away from work and puts it on the unpleasantness.
- It encourages people to take sides, or to encourage discourtesy byothers as a way to stir up problems.
- It prevents or reduces effective communication.
- It can be the source of actions and reactions that result in lawsuits, complaints andviolence.
- If someone is discourteousto coworkers or you, they will almost certainly be discourteous to others when you are not around.
- It puts the focus of supervisors onquarrels and upsetsinstead of key work issues.
- When others are aware of it–and they will be–it presents the supervisor or manageras being either unwilling or unable to intervene.
- Discourtesy is like a weed–it spreads and chokes out everything good you try to cultivate in your workplace.
A mental survey: Look and listen in your workplace this week:
1. Which employees interact the most courteously with other employees in the office and within the organization?
2. Who are some who are not particularly courteous, even though they are not obviously rude?
3. Who says or does things that, if you weren’t so used to them, you’d immediately think of them as discourteous? What are the things they say or do? Do they limit it to only a few or are they that way to everyone? Are there some mutually discourteous relationships?
4. Who says or does things that, had those habits been known, the person would likely not have been hired?
5. Would life at work be better if relationships that are now marked by discourtesy or hostility were civil, cooperative and pleasant?
Pay attention to courtesy and discourtesy this week–and notice how you act as well! Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “there is always enough time to be courteous.” Take the time.
April 16th, 2008
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TLR |
Life and Work, Personal and Professional Development, Supervision and Management |
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green, unspoken thoughts,
should I say them,
or will they even matter?
Haiku is a form of Japanese poetry with 17 syllables (a definition that does nothing to convey the spirit or beauty of haiku!). I enjoy this site about haiku: tinywords. When I read haiku I am often incredibly impressed with the emotions and meaning that can be compressed into only a few lines. Perhaps that is why, when someone sent me the haiku shown above, I found it so evocative. I could imagine a bud of thought waiting to unfurl its leaves into words–maybe very emotional words–that might or might not make a difference. Should they be said?
That poem stood alone, on the first page of a speech someone wanted me to review, so I thought it particularly apt. Until I went to the next page and realized what the writer was telling me: He had put some ideas for his speech in green font so they would stand out from the rest. I was to advise him about whether or not those words would add enough that they should be included. Not haiku, just an editing note!
Nevertheless, in the few years since I first received that message, I have had many green, unspoken thoughts–and I would imagine you have had some too: Words I felt I could not say or would not say, but should have. The concept does not only apply to saying pleasant things. As a supervisor or manager I have sometimes not spoken, to avoid a negative response, when I might have saved many people a lot of trouble by simply saying something when I knew it needed to be said. On the other hand, I have often spoken before my thoughts were fully developed. Or, I have neglected to say something that might have changed the way someone felt about themselves, the world, or me, right at that moment.
In the poem, The Fools Prayer, by Edward Rowland Sill, the court jester reflects what many of us have questioned on occasion:
“The ill-timed truth we might have kept–
Who knows how sharp it pierced and stung?
The word we had not sense to say–
Who knows how grandly it had rung?”
Even though “green, unspoken thoughts” was not written to be poetic, it has stuck in my mind. We had snow last week and likely more to come, but there are many green buds that will unfurl into something special one day soon. Maybe your thoughts are that way as well.
April 13th, 2008
Posted by
TLR |
Life and Work, Personal and Professional Development |
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