Tina Lewis Rowe

Venting, Ranting and Raving: What Fires Your Rockets?

Are there some topics that fire your rockets?  

• You are feeling calm, doing fine, and the world seems OK–then, someone mentions a topic about which you have a strong opinion. Let the rant begin!
• You see a newspaper article or encounter a frustrating situation–or only remember a frustrating situation–and you let loose a volley of thoughts that bombard everyone around you with your feelings.
• Something happens at work, and when you go to lunch with a friend you spend a good part of the time chewing your food and spewing your anger.
• When someone presents a view that seems completely wrong to you, you immediately go from listening to agitatedly giving your viewpoint of the subject. If they don’t say anything you increase your volume and your words to get a reaction.
• You have one or more pet peeves–things that annoy you, irk you or that seem to you to reflect all that is wrong in the world today–and you look for chances to identify others who agree and convert those who don’t.
• You say nothing directly when you become frustrated over a situation, but when you talk about it to someone else you say all the things you have been seething about.

Venting, ranting, raving and carrying on, can become habitual. It is particularly tempting for people who are verbal by nature. I’m not talking here about expressing an opinion in a strong way, or having a back and forth conversation, even though it might be somewhat heated. I’m also not talking about a raging temper tantrum–that is dangerous behavior that may need psychological and medical treatment.  I am referring to prolonged, opinionated monologues. You know what I mean. You can read extreme rants in Internet forums or letters to the editor, and you can hear them on talk shows. Often they are mean-spirited and nasty. When Dennis Miller or Al Franken does it, it may be funny–according to our individual views. When you or I do it, it is at best tolerated, at worse it can have a very negative affect on our reputations.

In most of our work situations we have a captive audience for our outbursts: Our coworkers have to stay at their desks; those we supervise can’t leave the staff meeting; the people who joined us for lunch can’t easily leave. Because our listeners tolerate us we often mistakenly believe they agree with us or enjoy listening to us. We are probably wrong! In our homes and with our friends, that same situation exists. Those around you may stay and listen only because they have few other options. However, often they do not share your views, or if they do they do not feel quite so strongly as you do.

In any setting, here are some reactions that may indicate you have been ranting:

• People seem to joke about it: “Oh no, hold on, here she goes again!” “Don’t get him started!” “So, tell us Bill, how do you feel about that topic?”
• Listeners try to soothe you: “I can imagine you feel frustrated.” “Welllll, it is upsetting I’m sure.”  ”It certainly is a topic that gets people fired up.” “Yes, I know it’s really irritating.” (But they do not seem as emotional about it as you are.)
• Someone attempts to change or redirect the topic: “Yeah, she really is a mess. By the way, did you notice…..” ”How about those Broncos?”
• Someone directly confronts it: “Don’t be mad at me. I didn’t do it to you!” “Calm down!” “Are you in a bad mood?” “What was that all about?” “OK. OK. I get your point.” “If you’ll let me get a word in edgewise here….”

The worst affect of a tirade is that both you and the listener become more agitated as it continues–and rarely does the agitation produce good results. Your heart rate increases, blood pressure mounts and you reinforce a negative thought pattern in your mind. Those who listen also have negative physical results, but their negative thoughts may be directed at you. Often when you get something emotional “out of your system” you put it into theirs!

If you have any vanity about your physical appearance consider that no one looks attractive when they are going on and on in an angry way. You also do not present yourself as someone who has self-control or who can be trusted to handle a conflict or crisis. Another reason not to rant, vent or rave: You will almost inevitably offend, hurt, frighten, repel or disgust someone whose opinion matters to you.

And, lest you worry that changing your tirade habit will make you seem bland, boring or lacking in character: Wouldn’t it be a sad commentary on your intellect and thought processes if you are most interesting when you throw yourself about the room, gesture wildly, talk angrily, or go on and on and on about an opinion of yours? You can be yourself and still be less agitated and prolonged in your discussions.

One of the problems with trying to change a habit like ranting, is that there is often no obvious positive result of changing. You can chart your results for changing habits related to eating, fitness or spending, but how can you chart the differences between two kinds of behaviors, especially if the people who could give you an opinion about it are not likely to do it, for fear of setting you off on a rant? I don’t know that answer to that, except to say that I know there are some things I should do better just because they are better, not because I get an obvious reward.

Here are some thoughts on how to control your otherwise out-of-control talk:

• Recognize the warning signs. Are there some topics that bother you much, much more than others, and that “push your buttons”? Do you find yourself standing up to talk when you are most agitated? Do you feel your gut tighten or your heart pound? Those are the times when you will need to purposely slow yourself down and talk in a controlled way. Right now you habitually react by immediately beginning to talk, and you keep talking. Use those warning signs as times to not talk at all or to reduce  your verbal venting.

• Thomas Jefferson advised his grandson: “When angry, count ten before you speak. When very angry, an hundred.” That advice is still worthwhile 180 years later. When you want to rage about something that has irritated you, wait a bit and purposely get your thoughts, and how you want to express them, under control.

• Start your remarks by giving the listener permission to stop you. “I don’t want to rant about this, so stop me when you get my point.” Or, after a few sentences, ask, “Do you think I’ve vented enough about this?” Make a wryly humorous acknowledgement that you know you have pet peeves but you don’t want to bury the listener with your words.

• Limit your venting time. For example, when you are at lunch, allow yourself a limited amount of time to talk about your frustrating experience that morning. After a couple of minutes, purposely calm down your tone and change the topic. Find plenty of other topics to discuss and do not purposely bring up unpleasant topics about things you cannot change, no matter how much you talk about them.

One thing I have done in the last few years to help me control my venting tirades is to…….Hmmm. It just occurred to me that if I say what I do, everyone who knows me and reads this will start looking for that behavior! I think I’ll keep my secret to myself. But it has helped! (Although others may not agree that it has helped very much!)

Consider developing some habit, mantra or response, that helps you control your excessive talking about topics that upset you.  If you have a method that helps you self-censor, let me know about it. I can use all the help I can get. And, I’ll reciprocate by telling you what I have done to help myself.

March 15th, 2008 Posted by TLR | Life and Work, Personal and Professional Development | 4 comments

An Irritating, Frustrating, But Interesting Old Book

I mentioned in a post a few weeks ago, that I enjoy reading old books, especially those that deal with supervision and management. Right now I’m looking at one of those and alternately gnashing my teeth, smiling, disagreeing vehemently and agreeing completely. The book is entitled Psychology of Supervising The Working Woman, by Donald Laird “with the assistance of Eleanor C. Laird,” published in 1942. Mr. Laird was a well-respected psychologist and industrial consultant, and a product of his time (1897-1967.)

The book is generally supportive of women in the workplace and points out that over one million women were doing factory work during World War I, and ten million women were working in the United States in 1940. (There are about 69 million now.) He gives this explanation about the increase of working women:

Why do women work? In war times for patriotic reasons. At other times some work to get pin money, some to get away from home, a few for the fun of it, others to help support their parents, and there are those who work from sheer necessity. Some go to work for the simple reason that they have an intense dislike for housework….many hope to fulfill the feminine dream of finding a husband.

The chapters have titles such as these:

• Striving For Completeness–The Key To Woman’s Emotional Life.

• Adjusting Work For Women’s Fatigue Characteristics.

• Adjusting Work To Woman’s Brain Power.

• Adjusting Work To Menstrual Phenomena.

• The Problem Of Getting Teamwork From Women Workers.

• The Problems of Crushes and Jealousies.

• The Problem of Personal Appearance.

As I read this book, I thought about my mother, Creola Kincaid Lewis, who worked from the time she was 16 years old, in 1926, until she was 85. She held jobs in a bleachery (cotton processing), in retail work, as a pet and garden store owner, and as an extremely talented and creative floral designer. The mothers of almost all my friends also worked–as teachers, pharmacists, salespeople, store owners, realtors, and in various businesses in my small hometown.  I do not think they were working for pin money, and I doubt they knew their psychology was so different they needed a special kind of supervision. They just worked and did their work well.

They probably also did not realize this “fact” mentioned by Dr. Laird:

Psychological factors indicate clearly that the best boss for the woman worker is the fatherly, older man….In the industrial battle between the sexes, man may be steadily losing out to the inroads of the hoards of women workers, but it appears the onrush is stopped by natural forces as soon as the invaders reach the lines of the supervisors and overseers. This may remain a man’s world after all…

See why I love these old books? They can be irritating and frustrating, but they are certainly interesting!

March 12th, 2008 Posted by TLR | Life and Work, Supervision and Management | 2 comments

The Many Faces Of Servant Leadership

Jeff Adams, Ph.D., has a very interesting and worthwhile blog that helps him share his personal thoughts with members of his congregation and others, around the world.  A few days ago he wrote a post in which he mentioned Jethro, the father-in-law of Moses. I commented on that and he used my comment as the basis for a post on leadership, which is certainly worth reading no matter what your work setting or work role.  

Jeff is a tremendous presenter and writer, exceptionally fluent in Spanish from his many years in Central and South America, and busy, busy, busy, all over the globe. Although he is an admired and respected pastor and sought after as an international speaker, board member, advisor, and participant in many projects and events, I do not know a more humble person than Jeff. I also do not know anyone who is more calming, peaceful and accepting of others–while having a black belt in Shotokan karate and being outspoken and assertive about his faith and what he believes to be right. He is truly a Servant Leader–referring to the concept developed by Robert Greenleaf.                                                      

The Characteristics of Servant Leadership:

Listening

Empathy

Healing

Awareness

Persuasion

Conceptualization

Foresight

Stewardship

Commitment to the growth of others 

Building community

A Servant Leader is not a weak person, uncomfortable in a role of responsibility and doing everything for others while requiring little of them. A Servant Leader is competent, strong, confident, and willing to take responsibility and share it. However, a strong leader who is a servant first is quite different than a strong leader who is a leader first.

You have likely met many people who seem to strive for Leader-First Leadership, meaning: Rank, role, title, control, power, and influence. Those are not all bad aspirations, but often result in a self-centered focus. I hope you are as fortunate as I am to know many people who are Servant Leaders.

Ironically, I doubt most of them realize that is what they are. They spend their lives helping others become leaders and making things better in their work groups and organizations, while setting high standards for themselves and others, and providing an environment of achievement. They work steadily, with a focus on we and us, and you and me, together. However, I can assure you they do it while still having healthy personal and professional egos!

You may think your personality and style do not readily fit into the mold of a Servant Leader, because of the connotation of the word servant.  Look at that list of characteristics again. I would imagine you fulfill many of them very well–and the others could be added with some purposeful effort. I’m going to make that effort in the coming weeks and months.

One of the things I thought, as I wrote this post, is that I don’t have to be exactly like Jeff Adams (as if I could!) to have some of his fine character and leadership traits. You do not have to be exactly like anyone you admire, either. There are many faces of Servant Leadership. One of them can be yours.

March 10th, 2008 Posted by TLR | Life and Work, Personal and Professional Development, Supervision and Management | 5 comments

Monitoring The Nail Supply

 For Want Of A Nail
For want of a nail, a shoe was lost,
For want of a shoe, a horse was lost,
For want of a horse, a rider was lost,
For want of a rider, a message was lost,
For want of a message, a battle was lost,
For want of a battle, a kingdom was lost,
All for the want of a horseshoe nail.

 

One way to build a team of enthusiastically work-oriented people is to help everyone understand the value of small, routine, everyday tasks. People who believe their work is significant are more likely to see how significant they are, and how important it is for them to do excellent work, every day.

It is easy to be energized by the idea of a work challenge: A big project, developing something new, or being put to the test with a new responsibility. Those are the times when all of us are more inclined to feel like contributors to the bigger picture of our organizations. However, those big challenges do not happen often, and most of our work is recurring and routine. Supervisors and managers should know and appreciate the value of every task that helps maintain an effective organization, and frequently remind employees of how important those tasks are.

Advice about motivating employees and work groups often includes a suggestion to purposely assign challenging tasks as a way to help employees become more enthusiastic about work. That approach to motivation requires two things: A new task that is challenging and that genuinely needs to be done, but will not detract from time and focus on regular work; and, the efforts of the supervisor to continually develop challenging new tasks for employees, or to let them suggest new tasks–with the risk that those suggestions may not be worthwhile. Far better to help employees see that the regular work they were hired to do is worth doing and worth doing well–and to demonstrate that truth by actively showing appreciation for well-done daily work.

When employees only feel valued and energized if they are engaged in new, unique or special projects, there is a tendency to feel let-down when those projects are completed. Routine tasks seems even less significant than before. When employees believe their daily work is crucial work, challenging projects become temporary interruptions in the routine–but not necessary for staying committed to the work or the organization.

Consider the work of those you manage or supervise and think about the tasks that are routine and recurring, but crucial to the accomplishment of the overall mission of your organization or section. Observe and inspect those tasks often enough to ensure they are being done to high standards. Then, reinforce the value of those tasks with employees and let them know you notice and appreciate their daily work. Make it as worthwhile and satisfying for employees to do routine tasks well, as it is for them to accept and fulfill a great challenge.

And, while you are at it, remember that observing and acknowledging dependable, daily task accomplishment is part of your routine work–and just as valuable as a project that tests your abilities in a dramatic way. You may never be responsible for leading the battle that saves the kingdom, or riding with the message that saves the battle, or even shoeing the horse that carries the rider. Nevertheless, do not underestimate the value of being the one who monitors the supply of nails.

March 8th, 2008 Posted by TLR | Personal and Professional Development, Supervision and Management | 4 comments

Ozymandias, By Any Other Poet, Is Still Impressive

I hope you recall studying, or at least reading, Percy Bysshe Shelley’s sonnet, Ozymandias of Eygpt. (Pronounced Ah-zee-man-dius by most scholars, it was another name for Ramses, 1292 BC.) The sonnet was written in 1818, as part of a competition with another poet, Horace Smith, who was a very interesting person.  More about him in a moment.

Ozymandias of Egypt is one of Shelley’s most well-known works. It speaks succinctly of how impressed we can be with stuff and things, accomplishments, influence, power, fame, looks and reputations, which eventually are lost and forgotten or at least diminished. There are differing views on how far we should take that cynicism–you can decide. Certainly it is true that many things that are sources of pride for people, groups, countries and civilisations, are taken by time and circumstance.

It is also true that most of us are remembered strongly and positively in proportion to how much we have positively touched the lives of others. In Shelley’s poem he describes Ozymandias as having a ”…heart that fed.” Ozymandias had a heart that consumed rather than contributed.

 Here is Percy Bysshe Shelley’s winning entry.

 Ozymandias of Egypt
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: “Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
`My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!’
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Isn’t that wonderfully evocative? Ironically, Shelley helped the fame and power of Ozymandias live on, because this will undoubtedly stand the test of time for many more centuries.

The other poet, Horace Smith, didn’t have the flair possessed by Shelley, but he was so pointed in his message that I think it makes it equally impressive–just not as quotable. (If you have time, read about Percy Shelley’s life. It seems to me he was an irresponsible, amoral young man who got caught up in his intellectualism. He inspired loyalty from his friends, but that isn’t necessarily an indicator of character. Horace Smith, by comparison, was humorous, decent and a successful person–but not ever as famous as Shelley.)

Here is Horace Smith’s sonnet for the competition. His reference to the hunter, “holding the wolf in chace”, (chace was the poetic spelling of chase), was a fatalistic view that one day a king or military leader would be roaming the world and waging war (chasing the wolf), and find the ruins of London. You can replace London with any nation’s capitol and it would apply.

Smith ought to have won an award for the title of his sonnet, alone.

 On a Stupendous Leg of Granite,
Discovered Standing by Itself in the Deserts of Egypt,
With the Inscription Inserted Below 

In Egypt’s sandy silence, all alone,
Stands a gigantic leg, which far off throws
The only shadow that the desert knows:
“I am great OZYMANDIAS,” saith the stone,
“The King of Kings; this mighty city shows
“The wonders of my hand.” The city’s gone,
Nought but the leg remaining to disclose
The site of this forgotten Babylon.
We wonder, and some hunter may express
Wonder like ours, when thro’ the wilderness
Where London stood, holding the wolf in chace,
He meets some fragments huge, and stops to guess
What powerful but unrecorded race
Once dwelt in that annihilated place.

I’ll let you think about that for a moment.

Some people do not enjoy poetry, because it is not as easily read and understood, and may seem artificial or overly dramatic to them. I don’t enjoy all poetry or all prose, but I do like the flow of the words. And, some phrases that sound beautiful in poetry or lyric, sound much less impressive when written as an essay. Consider adding some poetry to your reading material. Give it a chance and you may find it will provide you with inspiration and insight.

If you have a poem you would like to share, you can comment here, or use the Contact Me page. It doesn’t have to be classical, although I have my spam filter set to avoid limericks!

March 7th, 2008 Posted by TLR | Life and Work | 5 comments

Cleanliness Is Next To Something–But I Can’t Find Either Of Them Right Now

This is an edit note: I’ve had several people email me to ask if this is or was my office! No, it was meant as a joke! If you put your mouse over it, you’ll see the caption.  I now know that many readers are very literal!

Many of us have work areas that don’t represent us in the best possible way. (If you studied the post a few days ago, you know all about the concept of re-presenting. In this case, your work space presents you to other people as though you were using it as an introductory visual aid. Scary, huh?) Read these thoughts and consider them, then spend just ten minutes making some changes and improvements in your work space. You’ll feel better about it, and your work space will more positively represent you to those you supervise and those who supervise you. 

I won’t bother you with Spring cleaning tips about the value of having a small paint brush to get dust out of corners in your desk drawers–that’s why you have paper clips and Kleenex. Instead, I want to mention some things based on what I have noticed when visiting offices, modular office spaces (cubicles) and work areas.  If I’ve visited you in the last few months and a description sounds like your work area,  it is purely accidental, and I’m talking about someone else’s office.

1. Walk out of your work area, then walk back in, seeing it with the eyes of a visitor or an employee. Do some honest appraisal about how it appears to them and how it makes you appear to them. If you are really concerned, ask a friend to tell you what he or she thinks could be cleaned up, moved, put away or thrown away, or what could be added to it to help it represent you better. If anyone has ever joked about the appearance of your workspace, for any reason, that is a sure indicator that something needs to be changed. 

2. Evaluate the things you have on your desk, wall, modular surfaces or shelves and reduce the number of items if there is any chance that it looks cluttered or if any of the items are old, faded or simply have outlived their interest factor. Decide what significance each item has, and if it needs to be there. If you have a collection of some kind, be ruthless in deciding how many of those items you want displayed. (Decide also, if it is something by which you want to be remembered.) Consider making a rotating display so you can set some aside and move them out later. That makes your area more interesting to frequent visitors as well, if that’s what you are after.

If you have photos, put up new ones now and then or arrange them on one shelf. Consider taking down anything you have taped on file cabinets or walls, and certainly take down anything that is unprofessional it its contents. The old, faded, unoriginal “You want it when???” cartoon needs to go, and I think so do the Dilbert cartoons that inspire cynicism and mockery. Don’t have anything taking up space and adding a distraction, unless it really contributes to your mental well-being or adds something positive to your work environment. Even your “I Love Me” wall with certificates and plaques, if you have them, should be reviewed occasionally to see if the items should be rearranged, changed or replaced with other things.

Maybe your work space isn’t cluttered–maybe it is too bare and sterile looking.  You’d probably be amazed at how many people–including bosses–look in your work space when you’re not there. An executive once commented to me that the desk of one of his employees was just like the employee’s mind: Bare, blah and boring. There is a happy medium somewhere between over-crowded and sparsely cold. If all you have on your work surface is company-provided basics, consider just one or two colorful items. A small frame for a rotating quote or photo, a small, colorful glass dish for staples or similar supplies, a very nice coaster with a nice cup, an interesting book or similar items to show that you have personality. Having a photo of your boss in a heart-shaped frame is probably going a bit far.

3. Clean all surfaces and inside drawers. Turn your keyboard upside down and give it a shake if you want to see the history of your snacks in the last few weeks! Don’t just dust, use soapy water or a cleansing cloth. Wash off most items and shake papers over a trash can. Anything that sets out gets dusty, just as it does at home.

4. Decide what books and binders need to be displayed. Put the others in file drawers where you can get to them easily, or give them away. I don’t think it’s true that if you haven’t looked at a book for awhile you should automatically get rid of it–sometimes it’s nice to have them on display so people think you read. However, you could probably eliminate several of them without any problem at all. As for the binders from classes or conferences, consider scanning the really useful material so you will have an electronic version, and giving away the binder contents to someone who could use it. That way you not only eliminate some clutter, you become a resource for professional development.

5. Get an office box with a lid and use it to hold stuff and things you don’t have time to decide about right away. Once a week or so, go through the box and decide what to do with the items.  You may find that most of it isn’t worth keeping. What is worth keeping will at least all be in one place until you can do something with it.

Those five ideas will get you started on making your work area present you in the most professional way possible. Think about it this way: If all anyone knew about you was what they could surmise by looking at your workspace, how would they picture you and what would they think of your professionalism, attention to detail, personality and overall effectiveness? Let your workspace show you at your best.

March 4th, 2008 Posted by TLR | Life and Work, Personal and Professional Development | 4 comments