When You Cannot Multi-Task: Listening
“We have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak.” Epictetus put that in his blog in about 75 AD. We have all heard the advice to listen, really listen, as a way to ensure that our conversations are not monologues. Supervisors and managers are admonished to listen to the concerns, needs, requests and views of employees. All employees, at every level, are told to attentively listen to clients and customers, and to each other. Parents are urged to closely listen to their children. We are told that meetings are more productive when we listen instead of merely waiting for our turn to talk. So, is there anything more to say on the topic. Probably not, but listen anyway, OK?
1. Listening is not just the absence of talking, it is attentiveness focused on understanding. Have you been with someone who said absolutely nothing while you talked–because he or she was uninterested or distracted? When someone is attentive and focused on understanding, there is an energy in the way he or she listens that is obvious. The listener makes encouraging remarks, agrees briefly, smiles or frowns at the right times, and asks for more information. You can tell he or she is mentally engaged in your comments.
When someone responds like The Great Stone Face, it does not encourage conversation, and the speaker has no way of knowing whether anything is getting through. The lack of response isn’t viewed as thoughtful listening, it is viewed as being rude. Ironically, if Stone Face is being that way to stop conversation, it usually has the opposite effect, because the other person will talk even more, in an effort to get a reaction!
Listening reminder #1: Put as much energy in your listening as you do in your talking. You will notice the difference in how you hear what others are saying, and how much more easily a conversation moves along.
2. Stay on the topic until you both leave it. If you dramatically move from the original topic to something completely different, it can sound as though you stopped listening before the speaker stopped talking or if you never listened at all. If you feel it is time for a change of topic or mood, do it in a way that helps wrap up the conversation, rather than shutting it off. Tone down your responses slightly and use a vocal tone and body language that finalizes your remarks. Or, be direct, but in a courteous way, “I’m so sorry about that. Keep me informed about what happens. This is off that topic a bit, but I wanted to be sure to mention it to you.” That engages the speaker and he or she becomes the listener. Just what you were waiting for!
3. Engage in one conversation at a time. If a conversation has significance, find a private location or ensure there will be no interruptions. Even if the conversation is casual, avoid interrupting it to talk to someone else, except for a brief greeting.
This concept of giving attention to a conversation also applies to any other activity you might be involved in while someone is conversing with you. Participants in a recent class complained about their boss who is otherwise a decent guy, but who reads his email while they are talking to him in his office or on the phone. The person talking will say, “I think once I get that spreadsheet set up, we can track all of the work better.” The boss says, “You’re right that will be….I wonder what he means by that? I’d better call him to find out….That just makes no sense at all, especially when we talked about this yesterday…..Sorry, I was reading a memo from Jack, about those new computers. So, what were you saying?”
It is true that sometimes the speaking style of others–or the topic they repeatedly talk about–detracts from our ability to listen attentively. Or, they simply never stop talking, and you must take control of the conversation yourself. However, while you are listening, listen attentively with a focus on understanding, before you speak. It is also true that some conversations are intentionally conducted while both people are engaged in another activity. You can usually tell when someone wants your undivided attention. That is when you you cannot multi-task, you can do only one thing at a time–and, if it is possible to do so, the first thing you should do is listen.
4. Make your focused listening a way to build relationships. Try this: The next time you are involved in work, pouring coffee, eating lunch or whatever you are doing when someone wants to talk to you about more than small talk and chit-chat, and it is possible for you to give close attention, purposely concentrate your energy on the conversation: Put down anything you are holding; swivel your chair to face the speaker; step away from anything that could be considered a distraction; stop your body movement; show alertness to every nuance of the conversation; change your facial expression to reflect that nothing is more important than hearing what the speaker has to say. The speaker will notice and often will respond by becoming more energized or by speaking in a more confiding manner. Even if you do not see a response, the speaker will be aware of your focus and will appreciate your undivided attention.
Listening reminder #2: Being proficient at multi-tasking is a valued trait, unless one of the tasks is attentive listening.
P.S. The term, The Great Stone Face, is from the title of a book by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Here is a photo and article about it. Nowadays the term is not used to describe someone with wisdom, but rather someone who shows no emotion. It sounds much better in the abstract than when you are trying to have a conversation!
